Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
