She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
