Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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