3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
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You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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