i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
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My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I have a pirate flag
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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