Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
