Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
