Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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