Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
