Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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