you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
This toilet bowl is my home.
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