I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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