There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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