There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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