I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
