Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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