You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
