Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
