Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I look better un-naked...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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