my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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