hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
