FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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