I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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