Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
