if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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