I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
hell yes lets make some ravioli
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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