He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize