Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
