keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Randomize
