oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
