i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
