dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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