Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
