dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i think my cat just said my name.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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