I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
