She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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