There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
