I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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