I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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