i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
