This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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