I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
