god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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