saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
