The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
