You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
