I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
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I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
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Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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