my phone needs a breathalizer
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
