I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
