I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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