so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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