I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
