Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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