Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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