The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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