Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
