I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
