totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
