I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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