No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
