even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
