Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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